I couldn’t sleep last night. I was having a bad day and I was frustrated because I feel like I have wasted my life away. I was just straight up bitchy and I wanted to blame everyone in my life. I feel sometimes like I am going to explode thinking too much and worrying and planning and obsessing about how I want things to be and to go on a daily basis. It truly is maddening. Last night I just couldn’t sleep because my mind wouldn’t stop. No, no caffeine, I worked out, I eat healthy, I journaled and still my mind wouldn’t turn off. I thought that if I can just obsess enough and figure out the problem that it will be fixed but the truth is, some things can never be fixed.
Now, don’t think this is a poor me blog post or even a negative one at that. I am just telling it like it is because so many people put their life out there and try to live up to everything it is not. The truth is I am 35 and absolutely NOTHING I thought I would have, do or be has happened for me yet. I know. I know. Everybody goes through a feeling like this at some point in their life but not everybody admits or talks about it. I was lying in bed and I thought about how I wanted to be married so badly when I was younger. I loved to dream about who I would marry and where would we live and how would we meet. When I was in my early 20’s I dated a lot of good guys, some jerks, but mostly nice guys and I didn’t really think they would be “the one” but it was fun to imagine. I notice the last of my friends are getting married and so many of my friends have started families. I can’t believe it. It’s almost like I felt betrayed. Like, how on Earth could my best friend from college get married? I thought we were in this together. It’s hard to let go of what you thought things would be like in your life. You really do get to a point where you feel like you settle, in a sense, because time is running out for some things. I can’t keep dating around and expect to keep dreaming up my true love when I am 35. I have been in a relationship for almost 10 years and we aren’t married. This is totally not what I thought things would be like when I was 18 years old getting out of high school. I have had a great life, don’t get me wrong, but damn what went wrong?
I think my life had taken some strange turns when I was younger because I am very indecisive and I am very independent. It’s not all about marriage either, by the way. It’s not like I am some spinster that has never had a date and writing a blog feeling sorry for myself (to all the spinsters that have never had a date, no offense). It’s also about career and friendships and daily life. Right now, I am with my boyfriend of almost 10 years, we rent a nice home, and I am currently unemployed. I have had a string of jobs since college and every single one of them have been things I hated, with the exception of maybe 1 job. I get tired of hearing the shit about “well, it’s the journey, not the destination” but my God do I have to journey for another 35 years until I get my shit together. I had so much hope and ambition for myself when I was younger and the truth is, I still do! I still dream of doing things that may seem silly for an unexperienced 35 year old. I like that I am still child like and there are many aspects of me that don’t want to grow up. I just can’t make a decision to save my life. I have so many ideas and the pressure of time makes it so that we feel the need to cram and hurry everything along. The truth is, I would love to hibernate in the winter playing videos, getting high and reading cookbooks like I did 8 years ago but now I feel like ” I should grow up.” I mean, there is a pressure by society. The freakin second I turned 35 every other person I talked to wanted to tell me how I need to make sure I have a baby soon. It’s crazy!
How do we let go of what we thought we were going to have? Well, we all know we can’t go back in time and change events (or can we?) No, we can’t change events so we truly have to accept that we are where we are and we can only change what happens from here on out. Now, I don’t necessarily wish I was still in college getting drunk every Thursday night (and maybe 3-4 other days during the week) but I do miss a lot of the things about college. I am totally ok with being 35 but it is sad to see your friends change and move on when you sometimes feel stuck. There really isn’t a good answer for it other than knowing you aren’t in it alone. Now, I do think there are some unhealthy thoughts and habits surrounding living in the past but I also think there is a natural part of it too. I still dream about my first love but I would never want to be with him again. I also dream of being a young actress although I know that may never happen seeing as though I have never done any acting and I am 35. You aren’t in it alone, ok?! There does come a time when you need to make some decisions about your life but just make sure they are decisions that you want for yourself and not decisions you make based on pressure, time or judgement of others. I try to stay in touch with people from my past and social media has made it a lot easier. I know it’s not the same as everyone hanging out on a Friday night but not everything stays the same. You have to change and that has been so hard for me to accept but it’s true. Part of being an adult is compromise and understanding and so it’s wonderful to be independent and you always can be, like I said I am, but sometimes you have to compromise with others. It can be hard because although I love the idea of marriage and shit everyone else is doing it, I worry about losing myself in it. I can still be me and you can still be you. It just takes the choice on your part.
I affirm daily that “my life is fun and easy” but sometimes, truthfully, it can be hard to be an adult. Right now, I am an open book to everyone out there that feels the same way I do. It has been hard to let go of some things in my youth and let go of what and how I thought things were going to be for me. I cry about it even. It’s just life. We can’t plan it all out. If I really wanted to married with kids and be a successful author, food writer, photographer, etc. I could be but it’s about making the decision to be and moving forward with it. When I was younger I was so unsure and I felt like I had plenty of time but now I want some of the same things and I can’t mess around forever. You also have to get over the worry and the fear that you may seem like a loser or everyone else has what you wanted. Everyone has regrets and not everyone’s life is what it looks like on Facebook! Just remember that! It can be vulnerable to admit that you don’t have the life you thought you were going to have but you can also change it. You really can!
I don’t know if I will sleep any better having written this but I do feel better putting it out there. Not every blog you read with perfect photos, memes, stories, videos has a wonderful life. We are all human and we have all felt the yucky parts of life as well. Just keep moving forward and accept that sometimes it’s hard to accept life. You will be happy with that. Let me know in the comments how you feel about your life and how you wanted it to be as well as any advice for others!
BACH FLOWER REMEDIES FOR THIS POST:
Walnut– this remedy is for change in your life, helps with new beginnings and for those that are easily influenced by others.
Honeysuckle-this remedy is for people that live largely in the past and cannot move on to be in the present, people with regret and can help you keep your memories but move into the now.
Please look into Bach Flower Remedies for more information.
Clean Eating Empath 