I was just on a walk after being in the house all day and my world started to open up. If you take walks or spend time in nature then you understand what I mean by your world opening. It’s a piece of your mind that opens up when you step away and let things go. I have been busy, all summer, although not technically “employed”, I am working on many projects at home. I really have no said worries in my life. If a person could live a day in my shoes they would think it was somewhat of a paradise. I don’t have to work right now, I am free to do as I please, I work out, make iced tea, go to the acupuncturist regularly, spend time in nature and with my cats, etc. I realized on my walk that I shouldn’t have anxiety. The funny thing about anxiety is that I have had it for so damn long that you think I would just welcome it, in some ways I have, and accept that I have it. I mean, resistance is persistence, am I right? If you have or have had anxiety in the past and for an extended period of time, it feels strange to not have it. If you read self help books, you understand this concept. When we look within ourselves we can see that the familiarity of our lives is what keeps us feeling safe even if it is bad. How many times have you wanted to move forward out of a situation but when you do it feels uncomfortable and scary. It can be as small as not watching reality tv and reading a book instead, going to the pool on a Saturday afternoon, not eating sugar before bedtime, not joining in on gossip, etc. Whatever it is, when you first do it, it feels so unusual that you might as well live how you have been living. I am certainly guilty of this way of life. It just feels comfortable to stay the same. Try being positive after living a life with a negative belief system and it will show you exactly what I am writing about today. The first few days may seem like you know what you are doing and you feel good about it but then negative thoughts creep in and it only takes one friendly reminder from your old belief system to send you right back where you were before you started on your new enlightened journey. It just feels strange and the people you have always known start to change but really they aren’t changing, you are. So, you feel out of place and unusual because you are use to seeing the glass as half empty or gossiping on your lunch hour or rolling your eyes at the slow driver in front of you. The same goes for anxiety. That MF’er is just a part of my life right now, has been for awhile. So when I don’t have a care in the world…I do. It’s like my mind doesn’t know what it’s like to not worry about the future. Trust me, it has gotten a lot better because I am aware of it and that is the first step. So, on my walk I wondered why am I so anxious. It is Friday, I don’t have to be anywhere, I am driving home to visit family but I keep searching my brain for stuff I should worry about in the future. It just takes training of your brain. It really does. I don’t know what it is like to be completely worry free. Happiness gives me anxiety basically. It’s actually comical but for right now, that is how it is. The old version of myself is waiting for the other shoe to drop. It got so bad that the other day I was telling my loved one how wonderful life is and how every season is a joy and there are blessings everywhere and a little voice inside me said “but you are getting old and one day all your older loved ones will be dead. You have wasted so much time. This may be the last summer you will see your grandparents. Things are always changing”. I mean, I know I am not the only one who has crazy thoughts pop up like that so that is why I am sharing. It’s like I have trained myself to not be happy. Like I said, time spent alone has made me aware and able to work through a lot of it by being aware but it happens all of the time. One Christmas I was enjoying myself and I had a thought pop up like Debbie Downer from SNL that said “Think of all the animals that are alone in the shelter on Christmas”. I mean, come on! So, it really is a matter of shushing that little voice and canceling it out when you are wanting to enjoy life. I am allowed to be happy and have joyful moments in my life. The anxiety comes and goes but at least I know where to focus my attention. When I take a moment to slip away from my structured routine I can look around and realize everything is good, all is well, there is nothing to worry about and life does support me. Until you take the time for yourself to get in touch with your inner dialogue, your anxiety will continue to take over your life. If it is there, just welcome it and thank it then let it go because as annoying as it may be, it can be your friend teaching you something in the long run. None of us come out of this alive so don’t give up on yourself in the dream of having the life you have always wanted. Although it may seem scary to get out of a routine that seems good for you, sometimes trying something new will really give you what you have always needed and wanted. If you are really struggling, please seek a professional to help you work through it. You are worth it and you deserve the best. Please share your stories of overcoming anxiety or if you are currently struggling, please comment below for a little cyber support.
This blog is my personal journey and I am not a licensed therapist. If you or a loved one is struggling with depression or anxiety please seek a professional for help.
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